I am I am in tears right now. I feel as if losing Carrington, God played some cruel joke on my wife and I. Next month would be Carrington’s 16th birthday. He would be getting ready to finish 10th grade and head to 11th grade this fall. However, none of this will happen.
I am sitting in my car, wondering about the future. Not so long ago, when Carrington with us, I thought about the future and started made plans. I did everything and researched financial info so a legacy can be passed to Carrington when Cris and I pass on. However, that’s not the case. Our son is gone and right now lifeis just really nothing.
In the morning, you don’t feel like waking up. I’d rather sleep all day because if I wake up, it’s just one more day reminding me of our loss; reminding me that Carrington is not gonna be there. I wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up.
This is one of the hardest posts I ever had written. Please rest assured I’m not trying to commit suicide or consider it. These are the words of a parent whose heart has a black hole inside of it.
Today I am crying. I feel as if God is not there, and I feel like I said before God played a cruel joke on my wife and I by giving us a son and then set us up to make us think that it would be Carrington who would bury us. No, I feel as if God pulled the punchline and now we buried Carrington. It’s to the point I don’t want to go to church anymore. I don’t want to serve as a deacon anymore. Forget deconstruction, this is demolition and my heart feels this way.
I don’t know how much more I can say. Maybe this was my Lenten journey, so I can open up my heart and tell God how I feel and it’s not pretty. I know God would rather me tell Them some harsh truth than some sugarcoated lies.
If you are there have or are going through what I’m going through, please be rest assured you’re not alone. And whatever you’re feeling, please know those are legitimate feelings; I don’t care what anyone says.
That’s all I can say for now. Now I go and engage the rest of my day the best I can.
Until next time, peace.
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